Today, I’m sad that I have lost track of the weeks. I know, though, that this journey started in May 2017. I’m happy to have a goal post.
Today, I’m sad because I feel lonely in this city, especially on this cold, blustery day. I am grateful for Nox, even though a lot of people poke fun at me for being a crazy cat lady these days. Truly, she’s my constant buddy and makes me so unbelievably happy. She makes me feel peaceful.
Today, I’m sad because I am alone and lonely at the same time. Usually, I can handle one or the other, but today it’s both. Today I am alone, awash in a sea of impossiblities. I had a moment of reconnection this summer, a moment where I became aware of the knot in my chest as I hugged this person. I’ve been alone for a very long time – and even in the moments where I feel that it’s possible to connect with someone, I am afraid. We live in a world where it’s common to get swiped past for a word, or a unusual pair of eyes. I have been on countless dates, have lost count of the nights where I hug someone goodbye and they grab my ass or my breasts and squeeze as if to check for ripeness, where sex is expected by the third date. Even recently, I’ve been told that my words aren’t enough and “physical connection is the most important”, even though I’ve communicated my worries and fears to someone. My words are nothing without sex behind them. How can people even think like that? When did we stop listening and start groping people as we hug them goodnight?
Today, I’m sad because summer is gone. While I did have a lot of fun this summer, I hoped for a lot more. I got treated like crap a lot this summer, by someone I really care about. I didn’t do as well as I wanted to with my diet. I wanted to camp more. And today – summer is gone.
Today, I’m sad that my reaction to all of this is to eat. To bury my loneliness and sadness in something comforting and delicious that makes me forget that I am eating my meals with a cat. Lean Cuisine does not have the same effect as charcuterie or pizza. I am glad that I take transit to work, because otherwise I’d have grabbed a bottle of wine and had grapes for dinner. Grapes for dinner, all by myself. Drowning my sadness in a bottle.
That last statement is really reflecting light that my eating habits might be disordered. Truly. I hate cooking for myself, but on nights like tonight, lonely blustery cold nights where I’m alone on my couch with a cat and a nanny sweater and The Defenders, I only want comfort food and wine. And maybe someone to share a bottle of wine with.
With all this moping, please know that I am okay. I’m grateful for where I am, working at a job that I like, with people I like. I am grateful for my family and my friends, because I know that even though I feel alone, I am not truly alone. I’m truly thrilled that I’m able to point to exactly what hurts and why it hurts (Emotional Agility, y’all. Read that shit if you’re lost), even though I hate hurting.
I know that I’ll have someone to share a bottle of wine with eventually. I might have to seek a sperm donor before that happens, but I know that my dreams are possible.