Gratitude at 34

The thing about hitting rock bottom and being able to stand back up is that you become aware that there isn’t a lot that you can’t survive. 

This past summer I found the bottom of a lot of things. I found the bottom of a few Irish whiskey bottles. I found the bottom of my soul. I found the bottom of the deepest, scariest pits in my mind. I found the bottom of my tear ducts, and the emptiness of my stomach, and the truest desires and fears of my heart. I mean it whenever I say that I didn’t think I was going to survive. I hit my bottom of my well, and I crawled out of it with the love and help of my friends and family. I found the darkness, I struck the match that eradicated the black, and I made it get better. Something about being forced into submission, something about being brought to your knees, turns that action into prayer. I came out of the fire even stronger than I could have imagined.

So, when it happened again, a restructure that wiped out the whole marketing/communications department (or, just me. Because I was all of that), there wasn’t a bottom. There wasn’t a night where I crawled into the whiskey bottle. While there were definitely tears, often I was laughing until I cried. The blackness that consumed me in the summer didn’t return, even though it certainly tried at night. It turns out that this session of unemployment has truly taught me the meaning of gratitude. 

I am so infinitely grateful. 

I am grateful that I have a part time job at my favourite place in the city. I am able to go there whenever I need to be grounded, whenever I need to stretch, whenever I need to submit myself to my yoga mat. At least twice a week, I’m surrounded by people who make me laugh, hug me hard when I’m about to cry, and who encourage me to try harder. 

I am grateful for my family. I couldn’t imagine better parents – both of them constantly push me to be a better, stronger, kinder human. On my hardest, most foul day over the last 6 weeks, they were here – and, rather than stick to their plans, they stayed another night so that I didn’t need to be alone in my terror and panic. I am grateful for my brother and sister in law, too. Amazingly supportive, stubborn as I am, and just as determined. Who could have better cheerleaders? 

I am also grateful for my amazing tribe. They say your vibe attracts your tribe, and oh man. My tribe is fierce, and never to be fucked with. I cannot believe the support I have. From job recommendations to references, to random McDonald lunches and spinning, to supportive messages and road trips for nephew cuddles, to dinner or drinks, to laughs and tears at yoga, to live music and cold beers… I have warriors as friends. As dark as the night may become, and as rocky as it may be, I am never alone. My gratitude cannot be overstated. 

I truly don’t think that I’d be here without the people in my life. Today, on a day that is seeing some pretty big changes happening… thank you. Thank you for being here, thanks for reading. Just… thank you. 

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