The Dude Abides

The last month hasn’t been fun.

Who am I kidding. The last WHILE hasn’t been fun. It’s been full of worry, and anger, and anxiety. First that goddamn diagnosis. That’s been a game changer. I want to stop thinking about it, but I can’t. I’ve moved into a more positive space about it, but I can’t help but think about the pain – less than 4 days away until blinding pain comes.

Then my lovely boyfriend (who I really did, and do, adore) became someone I didn’t know. For as long as I knew SK, I could crash into him with my pieces – all of my anxiety, all of my fear, all of my secrets – and he’d accept me, just like that. He made me calm when I couldn’t be. He’d wake up with me when I woke up in full on panic attack mode and rub my back until I could breathe again. When he told me that he loved me, and wanted to plan a future with me, I believed him. And suddenly, literally as soon as I got told my bad news, SK changed. He became unreliable. He stopped sleeping at my place all together – our last month together we stayed together a grand total of 4 times. When he made the final choice – alcohol and a douchebag creepshow of a “best friend” – I left. I miss him terribly, most of the time (even though rational N knows that as soon as I was out, he had a bottle and a warm body in his bed). But I couldn’t take that drama any longer.

Then my best friend and I had a stupid, stupid fight. I’m afraid I’m going to have a heart attack at my job. And my stress level couldn’t take it. So I did the only thing I can ever think to do in situations that take all of the good out of me. I retreat into the mountains. I packed a suitcase and went home to my parent’s place.

And I spent an entire week taking care of N. I slept lots, drank good coffee with my Dad in our backyard and living room with the fireplace on. I sat in the hot tub under the stars with my Mom, painted log benches, laughed, ran from zombies and cougars, drank beer, and learned to roast a mean Hutterite chicken. I rarely checked my phone. I didn’t log onto the computer, even though I meant to. I read a few books. And I healed. I breathed.

The last post I wrote about change – as God as the Force. I really dug into that book when I was home. The only night I had a panic attack, I was up until 5AM. I was thinking about SK (and how we had a huge throw down, angry fight the night before), how optional I am to my partners (hindsight – I’m a goddess. I might not be easy to handle but apparently I need to start dating men who are up to the challenge of being partner to a goddess), about my pal in the hospital, about how much I didn’t want to come back to my life. So I made tea, and cracked open that book.

The first principle is simple – you challenge the Force to prove itself. That’s it – you give it a 48 hour window to make itself known, dammit – to show itself in a way that cannot be coincidence. So I did it. I challenged the universe to prove it. Deadline: Monday July 28, 8 AM.

Saturday, July 26 – I had a visit with a totally awesome friend. We needed to reschedule, but I finally had a beer visit with KT, who makes me laugh ALL THE TIME. He and I reschedule and raincheck often – I think this visit had been postponed about 3 times already. When I finally told my parents about this experiment in place, Mom suggested that my friend visit was my sign from the universe. Maybe, I thought. But I truly thought that the universe should have more than that in store. So, I kept my heart open, and kept telling the Force to PROVE ITSELF TO ME.

And at 7:50 AM on Monday morning, while cleaning out my purse, I found my ring. A bit of a back story – I had been dancing at a music festival the entire weekend before, and I’d lost a ring. Nothing expensive, or particularly sentimental. It was a silver knuckle ring, shaped into an infinity symbol- I liked it. Over my week home, I cleaned out my purse twice looking for it, and finally gave it up for the festival gods. It had likely slipped into a Port-A-Potty, or into the grass as I sanitized my hands. But as I scrambled to clean out my hippy purse, and move into my “business purse”, I found my ring. So I gave thanks, acknowledged the universe, put the ring on, and went to work.

Friends – I’m here to tell you that life can be shitty. I have been so close to giving up. For a long time. But I got a sign from the universe, and since then….. things have been falling into place. Big things, that I can’t talk about yet (Hemingway said you lose it if you talk about it)…. but I can’t wait. And I really can’t wait for these new things to happen. All you need is a little bit of faith.