So, last year to celebrate my 30th birthday, my mother and I took a girl’s trip out to Vancouver Island. I’d wanted to go to Victoria and Tofino for a long time, and 30 seemed like the time to do it. I’d just left a long time partner, needed a kick in the ass to save me from the “I broke my own heart now what” blues.
To put it mildly- we had a blast. Tofino came first, and we spent our days there eating sushi, bear watching, and on patios by the ocean. I’d move to Tofino in a hot minute if I could get work there (I have been job hunting in Victoria and Tofino ever since I came back). Our first day back in Victoria, however, is the origin of this blog post.
Mom went to drop off the rental car (no need to drive in a city like Victoria!!!), and I found a cool little pub, whose name is currently escaping me. I sat at the bar, and instantly started chatting with an older man, who I will call Yoda. Yoda is a real estate agent, and before long we were talking about God and broken hearts. I told him that I was pretty lost – how do you recover your path when it’s been so altered? – and Yoda pondered this while he took a long, slow drink from his pint.
“Well, I suggest A Course in Miracles,” said Yoda, after a long silence. “I read it after my divorce, and it changed my whole life. It’s not about God, though. Don’t read it with religion in mind.”
“A Course in Miracles?” I echoed.
“Yep. A Course in Miracles. Get the book. I promise you won’t regret it.”
We swapped email addresses, and Mom and I went looking for dinner. I looked for it in Victoria, and picked it up immediately after I landed in Edmonton. A blue bound book, with onion skin pages that read like a religious text. I started to have doubts in Yoda. Within the first few pages, though, I had tears streaming down my face. After the first hundred, I closed the book, and cried myself to sleep. I finished the book like that – rushing through it, tears streaming down my face, and thinking (at the end) that it held nothing for me.
Clearly, I’m a little bit like Luke Skywalker – eager to learn, a bit dull at times, and a bit of a dark side. You see, I react. You can call it an Aries trait, or an Irish temper – but when I react, I usually pick anger. It’s easier than anything else – easier to be pissed off then deal with sadness, or grief, or anxiety. My knee jerk reactions – learned from years of “well, if I let you hurt me, I’m going to lose” – cause irrevocable damage. I’ve lost my last two relationships to a reaction – if you push them away first, they can’t hurt you anymore – and then, I struggle with anger and regret. Every. Single. Time. So, reading A Course in Miracles and weeping…. I thought it meant nothing. I thought it meant that I was still raw from JM, and that it was just hitting all the sore, anger hidden sweet spots.
It’s literally a year later. I still alternate between “That was best for me” and “What the fuck am I doing”. And now, I have a second breakup coupled with “my plan for my future needs to drastically change”. “What the fuck am I doing” is currently the question that haunts me – while I’m at work, while I run, while I meditate – and I have been desperately searching for answers. The why, the how – how can I possible focus all of this negative energy into something that manifests positive results for me? With all of this, I feel like Luke at the beginning of a “New Hope” – lost, lonely, desperate for adventure and stuck in a rut so big that it doesn’t matter if it’s one harvest or one hundred because getting out seems impossible no matter the timeline. So, I did precisely what I have done with every single existential crisis I have ever had.
I went to Chapters, and bought a few books about meditating and faith. I called my mom. I signed up for a guided meditation course.
Now, here is the kicker. Here is where the Star Wars reference really comes into play.
My mom lent me a book about energy. Specifically, it’s about energy experiments – using positive thinking to change your fate. This book brings up the idea of God, but not as the bearded old man that we come to associate with God. Oh no, this book looks at God as nothing but sheer energy – an entire dimension in the universe that WE have control over, a force that we can all control if we only look into ourselves to find the power. This book literally advises the reader to look at God as The Force – something within our control, something that has a dark side and a light side, something that we can learn to master if given the right tools and the right amount of time. (And yes, my first thought was “SWEET. I’m changing my religion to JEDI!”)And then, this book names the right tools. Are you ready?
That’s right – this book names A Course in Miracles as the right tool. In fact, every single non-fiction book I have picked up SINCE my time with Yoda has referenced A Course in Miracles. Every single meditation book, every free guided meditation has either directly referenced it, or mentioned a topic covered in A Course in Miracles.
Also like Luke Skywalker – I can be a bit thick. I have prayed often, to my angels and to God, often in tears and aloud, to be given a sign. “Give me a sign, Lord,” I weep. “I’m not strong enough to do this anymore. Please, please give me a sign. Help me heal, help me find a way out of here. I can’t do this alone.”
I am certain that for the last year, all my guardian angels have been facepalming, saying “What kind of moron prays for a sign WHEN WE GAVE HER ONE IN VICTORIA. And why is she STILL PRAYING when EVERY SINGLE TEXT THAT SHE NEEDS is sitting on her GD nightstand?!?!”
It has become incredibly clear that change needs to happen. I told my (now ex) partner SK about this revelation, and in his ever so loving way, he gave me a big hug and told me to get on it. One of my best gals AM advised me to break my cleanse, and get into that book with a bottle of wine and a bathtub. And now, standing in a little bit more hand crafted wreckage… I think the time has come. And, like Luke learned – sometimes, you get what you wish for but mostly, you get what you work for. Sometimes, saying something in anger or frustration leads to sadness, but eventually… you will escape from the rut (side note to all those angels facepalming…. when plotting the escape from my handcrafted rut, can I please request a handsome scoundrel who is also a brute/bad boy/great man? I don’t specifically need a Han Solo or a Millennium Falcon, but it’d be hella sweet).
I’m looking forward to this. Since tomorrow is my country’s birthday, I think that’s a good day to start. I always like birthdays as the beginning of something new – I always start new projects on my birthday. So, Happy birthday Canada! And new project time for N.